A Modern Love Essay || Love
What is love? Sitting at my desk I realise that I just asked myself the same question humanity has been asking itself since it learnt to think. Having given it thought, I have realised that something humans have no control over is the most pivotal element in our lives, aside from death. Every mystery facing us overpowers our control over the rest of the world. The scientist within me answers, ‘it’s a chemical reaction in my brain’. That’s all it is. Done. But a quiet voice, the hopeless romantic, won’t accept it. A chemical reaction took me to dizzying heights and bottomless lows? There must be more than that.
Love is pain. An emotion capable of limitless damage to my mind, my body and soul. Remember looking at a knife and thinking, is it sharp enough to cut that deep? Love took me to depths I’ve never known, making me question — am I unstable? Probably, my thoughts sometimes race at thousands of miles per hour, my mood can swivel on a two-pence-piece. A sadness haunts me, whispers in my ear behind closed doors, silent to all but me. By habit, I try and stifle my inner self, why does anyone need to know? Why would they even give a fuck? I just smiled, ‘Hello whispers, is that you speaking to me through this keyboard?’. They’ve been exposed; writing has a habit of bringing them out. Maybe that’s why I started this blog, therapy for a man without a heart to speak for himself, or did it just become that? But I’ve gone off on a tangent, wasn’t this supposed to be happy? Sorry, this didn’t go as planned.
Love is trust. An unmatched trust in another to whom you reveal yourself. As love is a thing which contains good and bad, hence it is something in which it will only thrive if you allow yourself to recognise your own faults and strengths. You will never develop the feeling of belonging if you don’t confront your own self and show the world who you truly are. Only then can another truly accept you — faults, imperfection and demons included. There is only one who has seen every side of me. Together we have seen it all. Pain, grief, fear, anger, success, determination. To one person, I trusted them with everything that makes me who I am, all I can hope for is acceptance knowing that I already accept their entire being. Nothing is scarier than trust that makes you vulnerable, there can be many ways you unfold, perhaps by writing stories — wow, this has been a very self-aware episode. Now I must ask — Am I only doing this because writing about the good things makes them happy, or is this a true self-expression of myself for them alone? The placement of trust to hold my feelings in their heart. They know me better because of it.
Love is an irreplaceable bond between two people. The only bond strong enough to remove our instinctual sense of self-preservation. Did you ever believe that you would die for someone? Before you meet that person, nobody does. I learnt it was possible when a person I loved was in pain. A light burns effortlessly behind those pools of deep mahogany, but these days I sometimes see it fading, tired from battle. A light at the end of the tunnel, but only an illusion of the promise of freedom. All I can do is offer myself as a sacrifice. As a relief from pain, I offer my whole being, I would do anything to alleviate it. I feel their love radiate towards me despite their hardship and I return it. Yet I watch them swim against the tide as it crashes down from on high. An old friend returns; helplessness. My heart aches watching as life happens without me. But I know, if they asked, I would be there. Distance, money, nations will not keep us apart. A fire burns inside me, fixated on a life within our grasp. The fuel — love, the unbreakable bond. Love brings people together, joined by invisible tendrils of humanity.
Love — I think there exists an intrinsic duality. A beautiful dance between Yin and Yang, an infinite cycle of good and bad, fighting one another for dominance. Without one, you will never experience the other. With bad also comes good. Love has pulled me down. But without this, I would have never appreciated the highs. Love has elevated me, bringing growth, completeness and life. Without you, there would be nothing.
I started this with a question. And from it I have only more to answer. But, perhaps a vague explanation will do.
Love can take many forms
You will never be prepared for it
You should never fight it
